“Well… this is interesting, and funny. Lemme see what this is all about…”

Curiosity and being bored one night was all it took for me to download one of those infamous Christian dating apps. I wasn’t sure as to why I was doing it, but I was excited. I was wondering what route and experiences it would take me; maybe bae was there *insert heart eyes here*, lol.

I was seriously hyped up about it. Once it was downloaded and I was signed in, the perplexity of why I was doing this left me and my only concern was how was I going to present myself as attractive and alluring. After I went through all the “paperwork” of setting up a profile, I was ready to be matched and whisked away on an adventure of possible love. But once again, I began to ask myself, “T, why are you doing this?!” I silently folded up that question and placed it in the darkest corner of the drawer in my mind and tried to leave it there.

I tried to let the excitement of doing something new fulfill the question that had been left unanswered. I let the profiles of countless, good -looking men fill my mind so that at the end of the night I only thought of sleep. The hope and possibility about fulfilling my time with new romance filled me up so much that it had me on a “potential love high”. Amazingly, it worked…

For two days.

Yup… Two. Whole. Days. I became so consumed in the potential, the maybes, and the what ifs, that I became lost. I began to feel miserable. I didn’t know my left from my right, and my right from my up. I was confused and hurting, but I could not figure out why.

Laughing at the question as to why I was doing this seemed like a great way to run away from it at the time, but man oh man, it was a bad idea. Within that question, there was the answer pertaining to the motive of my heart. Was I doing this just because? Or, did I move because I thought God said it would be cool even though I didn’t ask?

 

What was the motive of my heart?

When answering this question, some people would say, “Well… honestly, I am not sure why I did it.” Ha. I refuse to tell that bold face lie to you. It is not honest; it is not the truth. I am not going to give you a superficial, boosted up answer in order to avoid what I feel. The more exposure I give this situation, the stronger you and I can become.

The truth is: I was lonely. I was bored. And, I was feeling some type of way.

No, it’s not the “type of way” you may be thinking about, lol. But I was feeling hopeless and I let my mind wander to the what ifs and maybes. I allowed my heart to be conjured up. That is a seriously dangerous combo, especially when you are bored.

See, over the past year or so, I have been hearing a lot of things about my future husband. My mom and I had dreams, my friends have spoken things concerning him over my life, and I have even had strangers come up to me and ask about my husband and children! I find that these things (anything for that matter) do not happen “just by chance”.  To me, I firmly believe that every moment has a definition and purpose in our lives.  However, that does not mean that we are to take every moment seriously because we can miss the moment itself, however, it is very important that we pay attention because that moment may just come up later.

Anyway, with all of this “future husband” stuff floating around, I became anxious. It is nso funny to me now because right before this new year, I started to write all the things down the things I felt on my heart to put onto my vision board. For the fourth and final thing, I could not figure out what to put down, so naturally, I asked Holy Spirit what I should put there. He said, “Courtship”.

My face dropped.

I was heartbroken when I heard that. Yes, you read that right. I was H E A R T B R O K E N. I had just conquered being anxious about my future husband, FINALLY content in God, and I get this?! Really?! I was so upset that I started to ask God why it couldn’t just be He and I? At that point, I was really content about it being just God and I.  I was sooo chillin with lemonade ice tea in hand on a cold day in Alaska with it just being God and I for the rest of my life.

I cannot tell you how many tears, hours of praying, and possibly days/weeks it took me to put Courtship on my vision board. LE STRUGGLE WAS REAL. I really did not want it.

Looking back now, that was fear speaking at the time. I felt like I was not ready to open my heart up on that level even though that is what I desired. But, God proved me wrong. I was ready.  Since then, there has been tremendous growth and I am no longer afraid. However, with this newly broken chain in my life, it brings a new level of guarding your heart.

I started to get approached by guys more. Most of the time, I can count on one hand how many times I have been approached by a guy in a single year.  I know a lot of women who would love that to happen to them, but when you come from a background of low self-esteem and low self-worth, Satan can use those experiences against you to make feel like you are not worthy of anything.

But by being approached more, I had to be careful who I was going to give my heart too. New levels, new devils, right? Guarding my heart became even more essential. The more I practiced, the more freedom in Christ I experienced. I became so joyful at how much of the Word is planted within me and how He is laid upon my heart.

But, when I find myself in those moments of feeling lonely, bored, and feeling some type of way, that is when I need to be on strong alert and divert my attention to the Word.

See, I let myself become blind and numb to the way I felt so it would be easier to do what I wanted in order to fulfill that satisfaction of feeling worthy.

Those past thoughts came back disguised as a little teenage girl asking and wondering where she can find her next fix of worthiness from the boy across the street. She did not come back running a full relay race, but with each step, she slowly crept back in, finding her fulfillment.  Sadly, to her own disappointment, she only found that her dreams had been fulfilled with emptiness.

And in that, I found myself becoming more like her again, except I am more grown and do not need my parents permission on whom I can or cannot talk too. It came so very easy. One click. One download.

Four hours later, the time of once beautiful bliss was no longer fulfilling, so I began to search more. I swiped left & right until there were no more matches. I began snickering at my new secret and selectively sharing it with those who would boost my ego and not question my heart.

“Let me readjust the ages, the distance, my profile, my pictures,…” I said to myself when there were no more matches.

This is the last place I found myself. Constantly readjusting. And for what? Only to find myself wanting more? Psssh… There was no wholeness in that. I was only searching for something that I let go of a long time ago.

Now, do not get me wrong…

Online dating is awesome! It a great avenue for a lot of people. I know many people who have been extremely successful in online dating and are currently with their significant others.

HOWEVER, it is not for everyone. It is not for me.

I say that because on a number of occasions (this is not the only one) I have felt Holy Spirit leading me from it, however, at the same time, my motive was to fulfill my own desire and not seek fulfilling the desire of God. Although the action itself seemed harmless, the full intent of it proved otherwise.

Additionally, I did not ask God what He thought. I have asked Him before about online dating and I did not receive an answer. No answer is an answer, right? Lol.

 

So, I want to leave you with this…

Proverbs 16:2 (VOC) says, “Even when you think you have good intentions, He knows your real motives.”

This scripture simply says, even when you THINK you are doing good/have good intentions, before you go out and do anything all willy-nilly, seek and ask God first just as it says in Matthew 6:33. He knows your heart waaaayyyy better than you do. Trust Him ❤

If you hear Him, great! If you do not, great! Even His silence is an answer.  Please stand still until further notice; it will save you a lot of heartache and trouble.

And…

—> Proverbs 4:23 (VOC)

 

Love ya Fam,

With love,

T.