Most people that know me are very aware that I am low-key person.
I do not like the spotlight; I do not like being the center of attention; I do not like large crowds and I definitely do not like being stared at. It makes me super uncomfortable. I rather have a small group of people, friends or strangers, find a nice place to chill (aka a coffee shop or bookstore), and talk about life. Not only is that ultimate place of comfort, but it is where I thrive the best.
But my low-keyness has been taken to whole other level. That level is more like, you-shall-see-me-when-you-see-me type of level. If you see me, great! If you don’t, great! Just know that I am around.
But, as I am getting older and living the will and purpose of God more than I ever have before… I find that this lifestyle that makes me extremely happy also makes me extremely forgotten too.
Forgotten…on purpose
Since I am low-key creature, I have a quiet lifestyle. I have the tendency to stay away from crowds and be in my own comfortable corner. But this lifestyle has hurt me in more ways than one.
Not only does it open up doors for my insecurities, anxiety, and depression to sprawl out and turn up on the dance floor at Club Cerebral Cortex, but it also puts me at Isolation Station.
It started when I was young, around 15 years old, that I started to believe the lies that my depression and anxiety would tell me: “Don’t do that! You know you are going to fail!”, or, “Why even try? So many wrong things can happen”, or the classic, “You just can’t do it. You aren’t smart enough. You are just stupid”.
I convinced myself that nobody wanted to be near me and that nobody wanted me. So, it became very easy for me to decline parties, or, stand in the corner like a droopy wallflower. It was easy for me to walk away from outings, or, make excuses about having things to do.
I convinced myself that everybody hated me as much as I hated myself.
So, since being older, these habits didn’t change, they evolved. They grew into insecurities, loneliness, sadness, and depression. They became the things I was scared to depart from because the lies had become my best friend.
As of recently, during one of my sulking moments at home, Holy Spirit asked me why was I acting as if I were forgotten?
Acting?? Me?
How in the world did I, little ole me, was acting as if I were forgotten? I didn’t get it and started to become angry.
But then, Holy Spirit broke it down for me
Paraphrasing what He said, I was purposefully putting myself in isolation. I was assuming things that were not true, made up a whole story in my head, and begin to slip into feeling sorry for myself.
ouch.
Talk about truth on a degree of several seats and one million cups of tea. After I got over the initial pop of truth, I tried to make my case and say that people made me feel that way.
Ha!
You know He wasn’t going for that right? Soon after, I repented for fussing, I accepted that He was right. I did allow my assumption about people to become truth about them.
In those moments, I was no longer living in an honest state.
I allowed my thoughts, those stupid lies, take over my vision, my relationships, and my life. I was never called to live this particular low-key lifestyle I made for myself. I put myself in my own personal hell that I thought I deserved and I claimed it was heaven.
So, after that conviction, I asked God what could I do to stop acting this way. He simply said, “Do the opposite of everything you are doing right now to make yourself feel this way”.
Truth, man. Trrruuuttthh…
Everything that I did up until that point made me feel forgotten when it was obvious I wasn’t. I have great groups of friends, an awesome family, and God to remind me that I am not forgotten. Every single day.
So, instead of being the wallflower, since I have already perfected that, why not lead the dance line? Instead of isolating myself, why don’t I walk up to people instead of waiting for them to notice me?
Just… why not? I have nothing to lose!
Freedom…
I feel like… there ain’t no stopping me now… I am on the move (I know some of ya’ll sang that, lol). My self-worth grew, my acceptance of myself grew, my love and patience grew, just everything!
I am excited about not acting forgotten and I am more excited about the things ahead.
Loveya fam!
And remember… You are worth more than you give yourself credit for!
With love,
T.
Click here to read an article that helped me to forget my forgottenness.
Enjoying the sweetness of god 