…where do I even begin?

This is not easy for me to just jump into and talk about, but it is necessary. Talking about this is not hard, but I find difficulty and apprehension in explaining myself.

I mean, I really do not have to explain myself at all, I could have kept this to myself like I had been, however, having a passion for understanding the mind through the study of psychology and my love for people will not permit me NOT to talk about my personal experience, at least in this case.

I know that some of you must be wondering: Really, you Ter’race? But you’re so happy! All the time!  – My response to that is: Well, you just don’t know. I knew how to mask my pain very well. That doesn’t mean that I was faking being happy, but there were some days I was not genuinely not happy but put a smile on face to avoid any one of you asking me, “what’s wrong?”. Being asked the question was a huge fear of mine because that meant I would have to open up, be vulnerable, and actually express myself.  To be completely honest, most of you have only met a version of myself that I have allowed you to see; it’s not everything.

Now, maybe some of you question as to why, when, and how did all of this happened. Well, to make a long story relatively short, it was because my anxiety was through the roof. However, if you want the detailed version, scroll down and peep the details.

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Why?

-Sigh- Once again… where do I begin? It is not so easy to explain why I decided to go to counseling. I mean, it is easy to explain because I can just say it, but at the same time it is not because it is more than just a story or experience, it was rooted in me. As I mentioned above, my anxiety shot through the roof last year and this year. Every day I was in a total state of panic about something and everything all at once. I would wake up for classes with my heart racing, barely being able to catch my breath, and thoughts racing.

I was diagnosed with anxiety attacks at the age of fourteen. Since then, I would find ways to calm myself down. Normally, I would take small and slow breaths and open a window to calm down, but that wasn’t working anymore. I had to literally leave the room that I was standing or sitting in. During a panic attack,  wherever I was unbearable and getting out meant that I could get away from my panic. However, that wouldn’t help most of the time. It started to disrupt my homework, sleep, and appetite. Even then, I said it was all stuff I could handle.

Last year, was pretty rocky for me: My grandmother passed away, my dad had another heart attack, and my dog had to be put down all within the same year. Pile that on with the pressures of strained friendships, relationships, school, AND work; life wasn’t good for me at that moment.  At that point, everything I was doing was purposed in surviving to just get by. I thought winter break would solve most of my problems and take the anxiety away, which it did…slightly. I still had panic attacks, but not as often.

Then, here comes January 2017 and the anxiety comes back… with a vengeance. By this time, I was experiencing all of the same symptoms again, but much worse than before. It was so bad, I was constantly nauseous and/or throwing up and was only getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night. Rough, right? Especially with my full schedule of classes, work, and responsibilities on campus and at home.

At this point, I thought I was having heart issues. My blood pressure was consistently high and I would feel my heart skip beats. I thought I was on the verge of a heart attack.  Feeling that way every morning and having to wake a full thirty to forty-five minutes before I was supposed to so I could calm myself down was enough for me.  That’s why after a long debate with myself, I decided to go to counseling.

 

When?

The timing of deciding when to go to counseling kind of coincides with the why I decided. For me, the anxiety had gotten so bad that experiencing the symptoms every day and night was enough for me. However, the truth of the matter is, the symptoms weren’t the only thing that guided my decision to go. I have known for a very long time that I needed to go to counseling, but it was always a debate… with myself. I never considered, until recently, how much I needed it. My thoughts always progressed to how other people would perceive me, but it never occurred to me that I should be kind and loving enough of myself to just go, despite what other people think.

And, I can imagine what some of you are thinking and the answer is: No, that is not the reason why I decided to keep the piece of news to myself. I decided to keep it to myself because it not something you air out to everyone because everyone in my life did not need to know. I just needed the support of those close to me help me through, not my long distant friends or family. And even if I didn’t get the support of those close to me, I still needed to go for myself. But I am sharing it now because I realize that my story does not have to be just MY story; it can help many other people, and that is what I am all about.

I had to come a hard and detailed conclusion about going to counseling: Was I worth it? It was not about measuring myself in the perception of others anymore, it was more about measuring myself and my life to see if I measured up to my own standard to receive anything. I would go through these back and forth assessments in my head with myself contemplating whether going was worth it. Would it save me the embarrassment of leaving the room every time I would panic and get queasy? Would it save me from the night sweats and tears? Would it save me at all?

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my thoughts, I make decisions before there is a decision to be made. At one time, I would not give people the chance to explain anything and make the decision for them before they could even think about it. I had to get out of my own head before even taking a step towards being free. The moment I decided to get out of my head and make a choice was the moment that I said yes to counseling.

 

How?

So, how is it that someone with so much faith and belief in God can’t get through this with faith? I tell ya, this statement and others like make my skin crawl. Just because I decided to go to counseling does not mean I lack faith; it means that I have gained it. It takes courage and bravery to openly reach out to someone and say, “I need help”. It is so easy for others, Christians included, to openly criticize their sister/brother in faith about seeking help about depression, anxiety, or any other mental disorder.

If I recall, it took courage, and the swallowing of our pride, for each of us ask to God to come into our lives to help us; so what difference does it make for us to ask for help from each other? Isn’t that what we are supposed to be built on: Community? Are we not supposed to bare each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2)? What happened to simply care for one another?

Our burdens aren’t just our sins, but our burdens are our suffering too. There is no weakness in admitting that there is something wrong and you need help. Who cares what other people may say about it? People will talk about you and what you do for the rest of your life, and even talk about way after you are gone; they don’t live your life, you do!

And that’s what I had to realize… I was dealing with the pain, not them. I was carrying the weight; they weren’t and most of them weren’t even offering too.  I went to counseling for me because just being me was enough.