Recently, I have started to reflect on this year and it has been surprising, to say the least. I had no expectation as to how this year would go; There was no physical vision board; No plan; Barely any goals, except the simplistic ones (aka getting good grades in my courses and losing weight); I just hoped that it would remain hopeful, peaceful, full of prayer and growth. Honestly, it was all that I wanted for this year.

Although my lack of expectation was burdened with the ‘what ifs’ of my mind, I kept going and kept setting goals for myself. But, there is one thing I knew I could not leave 2017 without doing: And that was learning to say  “No”.

Yes Woman

Being a yes woman was the epitome of my life. I THRIVED on saying yes because it brought me the greatest joy being a joy to others. Always being that bundle of pillows when somebody fell in life, or, being that gift of joy when someone needed a smile was my life and what I lived off of. But, I soon realized that this drug of yes became my pain for everything. With saying yes all the time came unrealistic expectations and roles that I would try my best to fill, however, I found myself frustrated, hurt, and lonely because of the expectations that I expected them to fill.

I found that being a yes woman would give me partial joy because, yes, I was helping people, but then I felt anguish because I never got what I wanted, which was… to be wanted. Needed. Desired.

I would always play the blame game when things would not go my way. The way I EXPECTED them too. Little did I know that my control was becoming out of control and I was rolling down a whirlwind of no longer accepting myself as myself. The need to be needed and the need to be wanted intertwined like tangled headphones and I could no longer tell the difference between which, nor, how to balance them.

So, now what?

The Art of Saying No

Now, I am stuck. Stuck living in a hell that is pleasurable and painful at the same time. I was not aware of how damaging it was to me, but yet, I really didn’t care about me. I cared about my needs, wants, and desires of being liked. Nearly, the same thing, right? Not quite.

If it meant saying yes by nearly any means necessary, then I would do it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go overboard, however, I would go to the lengths of being exhausted and not taking time to rejuvenate. But, like I said, it wasn’t about me; it was about needing to be needed; it was about control.

Control had once taken control over my life, lol. Silly, isn’t it? But wanting to control something so bad because for so long you felt out of control, it does not seem so silly after all.

I wanted normalcy and consistency for so long that I was willing to exhaust my life to fulfill a need… a want… desires. I was tired of life being unpredictable, but unaware of how sweet unpredictability makes life so awesome.

I found myself in a place where I could no longer compromise myself because I would be left in an unsettling despair, battling out a masked need/want/desire with what I really needed, wanted, and desired, which was to be me. I found myself playing so many inconsistent roles that only certain parts of my personality gleamed through and not the whole self.

So, I had to learn how to say no.

Saying no was more painful to me than those who I was saying it to. It felt as though my heart would crack a little which each consideration of saying no. But I had gotten to the point that if I did not say no, I would show myself no mercy. And at this point, in order to survive beyond anxiety, I had to say no.

I said no to all the outings; I said no to the things that would drain me of my energy; I said no to the things would compromise my goals; I said no to all those feelings of letting people down; I said no to all of the anxiety; I said no to myself for allowing my feelings to bottled up in fear of losing something I never really had in the first place; I said no to it ALL.

Saying no brought joy, release, and confusion.

Joy, because I was free; Release, because I am free to become more of myself AND I allowed it; but confusion because the people that I thought would love me for it, left me. And the people that I thought would hate me for it, stayed and loved me through it.

The people that seemed to be the most supportive left and the people that seemed less supportive became more supportive, lol. I am not sure how doing what I was so encouraged to do made me lose so much, but I gained so much in the process. I did not lose in the process, although it felt like I did at times, but ultimately, I won.

One of the many things that my mom has always said is that if I lost something so easily, it is more than likely I never had a good grip on it anyway. This isn’t a blame game because I know that I had 95.5% of a part to play in all of it; it’s just that sometimes the foundation of a relationship/friendship is not as sturdy as originally thought out to be.

Things change along with people changing, and things are never what they seem. But what I do know is that with change, comes progression, and with progression, ultimately there is growth. Growth beyond all what hurt us, including ourselves.

So, God, like every year, I am forever grateful. However, 2017 was especially special because I became more of who you wanted me to be by just saying no. Thank you ❤

With love,

T.

 

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