As the New Year inches closer, I am starting to think about what I would like to leave in the old. One of those things I would like to leave behind is my childhood home.

Like most people, my childhood home was a memorable and significant place. Not only because that is where I grew up, but also because it was where I spent majority of time; I was home-schooled student and being home was the perfect place for a little introvert Ter’race. The times I would think about moving from my childhood home, it would bring tears to my young eyes and a pain in my heart. At that time, that house was everything to me.

It housed so many great and painful memories for me. I remember the wonderful play times I would have in my room and in my backyard with my neighborhood friends. They loved my backyard the best because it had so much room to run, lol; I also remember that is where I took care of all my pets until they died and when I suffered with my own mental issues the most. Equal mixtures of both left a significant impact on my life.

Interestingly, a few nights ago, I had a dream about my childhood home, again. For some reason, I cannot seem to let go of this place. I woke up in a fit of confusion about the dream I just had while wondering why I had dreamed about my childhood home for upteenth time. It seems like I cannot let go of my childhood home even though I have not stepped a foot in that in that house in 3 years.

I pondered, “Why do I keep dreaming about this house?”. I have dreamed about this current house I am in about 3 times in the past three years, but I dream about my old house ALL THE TIME.

So, being the psychology student that I am, I started to explore my own mind.  I began to ask myself, “What are my attachment issues to this house? Do I miss it more than I am aware of? Why is it the subject of all my fears and issues in my dreams? Why is it a hiding place as well as a place to fear? ”

This thing started to get DEEEEEP.

Deeper than I originally intended. But still, I had no answers. I continued to ask myself questions and think about it as I got ready for church. Then… I decided to ask God.

“God, what is up with this? Why do I keep dreaming about my old house?”

Not long after, I had an answer. “It’s because you are still living in old spaces”, He said.

Old spaces? What? What does that even mean? Then… it clicked.

Old Spaces

You see… I thought that when I moved to a new house, the remnants of the old house would not move with me. I thought that once I left that physical place, all the emotional traps would no longer clamp me down and keep me hostage.

You see… that house is where my self-esteem issues developed; where my negative outlook on life flourished; where my issues grew. If the walls of that house could talk beyond the numerous paint jobs we plastered on them throughout the years, they would have a lot to say about the pain I endured.

It was not a pleasant place to live because of the bombardment of my own thoughts and the seemingly physical presence of them. They would never leave; They would never settle. That is… until I got a handle on them. It was not until I had enough when they became too much. Even then, the thoughts would not settle.

So, a fresh place; a new place would move the dust and have it settle elsewhere.

At least that is what I thought would happen. Yeah, I got a new room; a new place to spread my new found wings. But had the old stuff really left?

Not really. It didn’t go anywhere because I physically left. It was always there, in the back of mind, living in that childhood home of mine.

So, as God brought it to my attention, He made me realize that no matter where I went, how much I traveled, or where I moved too, I would never be out of that house until I moved the remnants of it from my mind.

You can still live in a old space when you move to a new place. Don’t ever think that a change of space is the ONLY thing you need to survive beyond your past. Having a new mentality is in the contract of moving to a new space; those things go hand-in-hand.

No wonder I could not escape; I never escaped from it in my mind. Now, I look forward to letting go and allowing myself to be free from the pressures that I experienced in that house. No longer do I live in those conditions, so why continuously subject myself to them in my mind? It’s time for a new space/new place in my mind

It is time to truly let go, Let God, and Trust Him.

 

Sending peace and love,

With love,

T.