If someone were to find this…

… just know that I am going through another depressive episode.

Just when I think I am out; I get sucked back in. Not sure if I will ever come out of this cycle; not sure if it will ever end.

I just want to survive this and overcome this. I just want to be joyous even during the bad times.

It’s hard to find your worth in things that constantly and consistently fall apart. No longer does academic achievements serve purpose of fulfillment. That, too, can fall apart.

Finding purpose in and through God is equally as hard to me because it is not as concrete as “I” would like it. I know His word to be true but somehow I don’t find it to be as true for me just being me; within myself. It seems like it is not enough; it seems like it’s not structured enough.

And that’s what I feel like I need: Structure. And God isnt like that, but yet He is. I guess what I mean by structure and God’s structure are two totally different things. I want structure in the sense I can control and God is something that cannot be controlled.

I want my hand in everything; knowing exactly how, when, and where it is going to go. But God isn’t like that. And knowing this leaves me feeling clueless.

I don’t know what to do nor where to go. I want to make right choices; I desire to make them! But I have no idea how to, nor where to go.

Is there a such things as being too free? Out of all the hardships that I have faced, this one that I am going through, this whole unknown thing, is in the top list of being one of the most difficult things that I have encountered yet.

There is no plan. No decisions. Nothing. I am just here and existing and living all at once and it’s weird. It’s weird not knowing where to go and what to do next; just living free. And sometimes it feels too much for me to handle.

I wanna know what’s next. I am tired of being caught off guard, whether good or bad. I wanna be ahead instead of behind. I wanna know the disappointments before the come knocking on my front door. I wanna know the good things ahead of time so I can be in great anticipation of what is next.

All of it; all of it is so very controlling.

I am not sure what I am learning here but it’s painful and I am constantly being pulled apart everyday. Every hem that was stitched by me is being broken apart by God.

Growing pains hurt…

I am not sure what I am suppose to learn from this but I am grateful that I am surviving; living.

I am bitter towards Him. I see how others are thriving and living out their best and seemingly I am just here… wandering.

I am angry. I thought it was getting better. Some days it is just so much worse.

I had an idea of what this life and year was suppose to mean, but I am thrown off course.

The only thing I know is this: What I like; what I love; what I dislike; and what I can tolerate.

That is literally all I know right now and I am fearful that is all I will know forever.