Where do I begin? How can I even start?
All of my life, I have been a virgin. I am still a virgin. Frankly, it is not the most exciting thing in the world. I mean… it’s just something I have held onto and haven’t let go of yet. I don’t intend to until marriage.
But, that’s not the point of this post.
For a long time, I have been viewing things through virgin rose colored glasses and I have really taken for granted of how long I have held onto my virginity, as well how I have. I am pretty sure that I have never seen value in my V.
I came to this conclusion a few weeks ago when I was on my way to work. Early in the morning, I have a tendency to have an array of thoughts; one connecting to another, although the previous concept did not make sense.
Somehow I started thinking about how there have been many people in my life that have said, “Wow. You’re still a virgin?! HOW? WHY?”.
I used to take this as, “Wow, they must think that I can’t get anybody”, or, “Wow, they must think I am prude”. But no… that wasn’t where most people’s fascination was coming from. A lot of people were coming from a standpoint of fascination. Like… how did I really not have sex all these years? How did I keep myself? Why did I keep myself?
Typically, I would tell them things I did, or mostly how I felt. Either I did not like the guy enough and I would set boundaries that they were not interested in. The people that have asked me would lean in, fascinated, and still wondering about my how and my why. Then, they would ask me about guys that were in my life or what happened for me to decide to remain a virgin.
I would explain that I never took the opportunity, although I had plenty of chances to do so. I just didn’t feel comfortable with the guy, or, I was attracted and didn’t know him enough to trust him with myself and my body.
Did my body crave sex? Absolutely! But my brain and analytical skills were much more active than my hormones and I would ultimately decide against it. Plus, I had a huge fear that if I had sex ONCE, I would be the lucky one to end up pregnant, lol.
Even after explaining all of this, people still asked me WHY and HOW. I would tell them, in some ways, for me, it was kind of easy to remain a virgin. Why and how? I’ll explain…
I decided I was going to remain a virgin in my early teens.
I have always been a self-exploratory type of person, so I am always reflecting about my past and present thoughts/actions. Ultimately, I found out that I, me personally, could not see myself having sex with more than one man in my life. It felt different and weird for me to think otherwise.
And it is not because of what you may be thinking… Wanting to wait to have sex and remaining a virgin had nothing to do with wanting/desiring to honor God… at first. That didn’t come until my early 20’s.
I felt like I would be outside of my personal element if I had sex with more than one man. To me, I felt more comfortable just being with one man for the rest of my life and having sex with just that one man. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to explore it; at a young age, I wanted to explore everything, lol. But, ultimately, I decided that if I did anything outside of that, I would feel like me; my own personal nature of myself.
As I got older and developed my relationship with Christ, I started to understand the beauty in waiting, but I still did not value it. For me, valuing my virginity meant keeping to the commandments of God, not seeing it as a precious thing that I was keeping.
I just wanted to obey God, so I could ultimately get to my “reward”: Having sex with my husband, lol.
At least, for a long time, that is how I thought it worked, or at least how I could get to my “prize”. However, by encountering frustration after frustration when I was obeying God and not getting the results I wanted to see (my husband-bae, lol), eventually, I knew that I was viewing things in a wrong way and totally not valuing my V.
It was not until now, being almost twenty-eight year old and still a virgin, when I realized that I have not seen any value in my virginity. It was not until a few weeks ago that I discovered my WHY and my HOW.
My why consists of my love for God and trusting that He knows best for me.
Now, I gotta admit, there were times where I was just plain tired of waiting. I would “threaten” God and tell Him, “If you don’t bring my husband by a certain age, I am just gonna have sex anyway! I can’t do this!”. Or, I would even try to see if I could find a “loophole” in the system, purposely slip up, and be done with it.
Oh yes, sneaky and conniving I was. The more I would “threaten” God, the more positions He would place me in to let me know, “Hey, Ter’race… You can control your flesh. Lemme show you how.” The tests were hard, the attacks from Satan were devastating at times, and I even failed, most of the time.
My point being, now, I got it. I understand it more through a different and clearer lens. I got tired of fighting God’s Will for me. I got tired of trying to do things my way. I got tired of living under the law, when it was Christ who has deemed us and me as being free.
I decided that best way is going to be God’s way for me. Just waiting and taking value in my V.
My how consisted of God kept me. That’s it and all. He literally KEPT ME.
He kept me from all the dumb decisions I made and thought of, lol. Frankly, my ideas and my ways of wanting to lose my virginity were quite stupid, so don’t think I am bashing myself. I was truly thinking dumb back then, lol.
But, yes, He kept me. He gave me skills and ways to analyze, so before I gave my body to anyone, I would see the red flags and warning signs. Did I pay attention all the time? Nah. But even then He swooped in to save the day by either cutting the connection off with the guy I wanted to have sex with, or, they would go ghost and I would not have a clue as to what happened.
Now that I know my why and how, I have a greater understanding and purpose behind why I have been waiting for so long. It’s going to be more than a physical interaction with my husband; there is a promise and a blessing behind it that will flow throughout the generations that will come from one seed shared between my husband and I.
I no longer see it as the red curse mark; it is a mark of blessing, love, trust, loyalty, and living a purity lifestyle.
I am grateful about my valuable V. The more understanding I gain, the better I understand and know about the value of my V. It is a process; but it is working.
And I hope that where you are in life, that you take value in your process. Whether it is your valuable V, lol, or something else. I hope you don’t take yourself for granted and that you love yourself where you are as you are getting to who you are suppose to be.
Hope this helps you,
With love,
Love,
T.
Enjoying the sweetness of god 