November 5th, 2018
Dear God,
I am stuck in cycle. At least I feel stuck in one, or, perhaps, several. This cycle is not a unique in nature or quality. It is the same depressive, low self-esteem cycle. It is a monthly cycle that sometimes coincide with my monthly cycle.
The only difference is that it doesn’t only come during/before my period, but it comes whenever there is an opening; a new IG picture of a woman I believe is prettier than me, or sometimes, just on a whim. Which, is seemingly a lie, because when does these cycles ever just come on a “whim”?
Anyway, I start to think about what am I good for? What is my purpose? Then, my purpose turns into comparison. Like, “I should be here or there in life by now…”. Inevitably, the pressure to have been better and seeking to do better, comes and leaves an unsettling footprint on my mind that says, “No matter how hard you run, you will never be able to catch up.”
The thought of never being to catch up leaves a feeling that is incomparable. It is sadness, anger, and disappointment rolled into one. All of which I am aim at myself and shoot. I am the enemy and the victim.
Ultimately, all of this makes me desire death. Somehow, someway, I want all of these feelings and thoughts and issues to end. In reality, am I asking for physical death? No. I just want these things to die. God, will these cycles ever die?
But even now, the desire of this death is as suffocating as any other solution to the problem. What happens when you get lost in the pain and become its friend at the same time? Doesn’t that make me trader? A tyrant? A enemy?
But I also understand that the desire of wanting these things to die is not only a desire of my own; it is Yours too. But, I also understand suffering and that suffering occurs for a little while. I understand that it hasn’t always been this way and that there are levels to this. New levels, new devils.
God, I guess what I am saying is this: Help to get through this, not over. I understand this is a journey that I have to take. I just ask for the tools and light to get through it. I am asking you to help me to push, fight, and faith my way through these cycles. Cause one way or another, one day it will all be over. No more pain; no more suffering; no more cycles.
James 4:3-8
Thank you God,
With love,
Love,
Me.
Enjoying the sweetness of god 