(Dis)Graced

Recently, I have come to terms with that fact that God’s Grace used to confuse me. I mean, I knew some parts of what it was and I knew some of the functions of Grace, but I never knew the extent of it nor really why it functions the way that it does.
Growing up, I always knew that God’s Grace did two things: Covered and blessed. I knew that I was covered by Grace and that I was protected from evil. And, I also knew that Grace was a blessing, a gift from God. But that’s all I knew about it. So, it seemed like there was something that was missing but I was not sure what “IT” was. I just knew that there had to be more to God’s Grace than just a covering and a blessing. It had to be more powerful than that, right?
It seemed like that was the only thing that I really needed to know. I saw others around me function in the same knowledge, and they seemed perfectly fine. They didn’t question God’s Grace and received it so well. So, why wasn’t I? Why was I stuck wanting to know more about God’s Grace? Why is it that it was etched on my spiritual to-do list as the thing I wanted to delve deeper into? Seems like that is all I need to know to make it by, right? Not quite.
It really wasn’t until I got older, like last year, that I decided to open myself up to God and allow Him to show me Himself, in His entirety. Lemme tell ya, that is an ADVENTURE. Chains, strongholds, and healing took place simultaneously for me. I didn’t expect the immense love that I was going to experience and receive, and found myself quite often, crying and shying away from it.
The further that I would pull myself away, the closer I wanted to draw near to Him. But, I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to pull myself away from Him anyway. Wasn’t the whole reason why I was opening myself up to God was to receive all of this? Why do I find myself backing my soul into a corner of despair? It’s like I wanted to punish myself, but knew I need His love to release that chains I had confined myself with.
Then… it clicked.
I was running away from God’s Grace. I had allowed life to mold me into the sibling of despair. It wouldn’t allow me to feel the fulfillment of God’s Grace because of the disgrace; the shame I had felt was ingrained in the fibers and cells of my blood and skin. Seemingly, everything about me screamed disgrace: My thoughts, my actions, my feelings, my words, my everything.
Yeah, I am a nice and positive person, but that is not where my spiritual eyes focused. My soul was always telling me, “Do better! You can’t stop! This isn’t enough”. The pain that I carried from day to day was heavier than biggest leather coat. The weight wouldn’t allow me to shift into God’s Grace unless I shifted it off of me. I was intertwined with logic and the saturation of my sight of what seemed to be God’s Perfect Grace and of how I didn’t fit His mold.
I felt like I had to look a certain way, believe a certain way, do certain things, all to be worthy of this Grace. But God said, “No. I have made you worthy. My Grace is sufficient”. It was hard for me accept that; to know that I was not a disgrace before Him. It was hard to know, to feel, to accept, to live in that He loves beyond every negative thing that I see.
But His Grace was and is enough.
So, when I realized this after He brought it to my attention, I cried. Actually, I sobbed because I knew that I was letting go of everything that was a very false reality. Nothing about what I thought nor anyone else thought was real and true in the eyes of God. And even if my accusers were to make these accusations against me, it still wouldn’t change His mind.
In God’s thoughts of me, he separated my “Dis”, which is a latin prefix meaning “apart, asunder”, from my Grace. He enclosed that part and hid it away to never be remembered again. The only thing that God focused on was his Grace for me. And He let me know that is only thing that I needed to focus on too.
His Grace is beyond our wonder and our years; it literally covers all. We are to never abuse His Grace because it has been so graciously given. However, we should also have ingrained in us to know that He is well pleased in you and me. Let us live in being apart from the disgrace knowing that we have God’s Grace to live.