Disadvantaged — “ lacking in the basic resources or conditions (such as standard housing, medical and educational facilities, and civil rights) believed to be necessary for an equal position in society”

The “Why me?” People

As I lay across my bed, wondering where my life should be, I hang onto my phone in silence. “You there?” Kaylin asked me. “Yeah, I’m here,” I responded. “Sis, what should I do? I feel stuck.”, Kaylin said. “I have no idea, sis. I feel stuck too”, I said.

Laying across my bed, with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, I couldn’t get out of my thoughts about why I was feeling the way I was. I felt like life was moving in a circular motion; with every step, I was moving forward but bypassing the same monuments in life; I felt like my life was moving forward on a treadmill.

Choosing the first step forward seemed to take me backward, and whenever I started back, that seemingly was the step forward. I felt like I was going nowhere fast and the spiraling of life feeling doomed became as close as a best friend.

However, everything was fine. I had a job in school for my master’s degree; living life how I wanted and desired but still no fulfillment; nothing was full of energy but spaced emptiness.

“Sis, you shouldn’t feel like you are stuck. You have everything going for you.”, Kaylin said as she was driving. “Yeah, it seems that way, but I feel like I am missing something,” I replied. “I regret so much and have no idea what to do. I am just stuck”, I sniffled through my tears.

Life seemed like it was just beginning, but it was birthed into a whole different world that I could no longer recognize. No, this wasn’t an “almost” mid-life crisis that I was enduring. This felt more like an “I wasn’t living life” crisis connected to me.

Maybe it was the pandemic; perhaps it was me. Maybe it is my indecisiveness, but also it could be my fear. Whatever the reasoning, I just couldn’t figure out how to move forward. I had no idea what that looked like for me. I saw how it was working out well for everyone else. Seemingly, everyone else could figure out life for themselves and be happy with it.

However, this was the start of my inception.

Still hanging in silence as Kaylin drove and I cried, I started to consider the phrase, “why me?”. It came to softly as a whisper of a breeze on a humid night, slowly building itself up into a tornado looking for destruction.

“Why me? Why us? Why are we struggling like this? We did everything that God called us to do. Why are we the ones who struggle the most?” I asked Kaylin. “I don’t know, sis. I just don’t know”, Kaylin replied after a moment of silence. Again, she pondered the same questions and even repeated the same questions. Both of which we both could not answer.

So, where does this leave me?

Feeling lost; feeling purposeless. I wasn’t sure how to move or if I should have moved at all. I was hoping for a breakthrough but could see no pathway of getting there. Simply put, my only convincing thought was, “God has forgotten about it me.”

Feeling lonely in my own despair, the only thing that I could do was cry. I became a source of bitterness and resentful towards God, masking it as if all my problems were solved. But, I had evolved into a pillar of despair; I was waiting on someone other than God and myself to come to the rescue.

But, yet, here I was… laying across my bed, pondering what I had to offer life because, at the moment, it was not offering me too much in the middle of this pandemic. And then, after we said our goodbyes, the moment the phone line clicked, I thought, “God calls the disadvantaged.”

God Calls the Disadvantged?

“What in the heck does that even mean?” I thought to myself. The statement continued to ring in my ears and tremble the insides of my soul. Not sure of what was revealed to me, I found that I could not shake the thunderous movement this statement had on me.

I began to wonder, “Am I disadvantaged? And if I am, where is it?”. I could not figure out why this statement stuck to me; however, I knew that I needed answers. So, I began to pray and ask God why I could not shake this statement.

God revealed to me that I could not shake the statement is because I had become the statement in several different ways. For one, I was stuck on not realizing what I had in front of me to get me where God and I desired for me to be. I was not willing to take the risk, nor was I ready to change.

I was comfortable and stable in all of my ways; I had gotten exactly what I wanted out of my life. How easily had I forgotten that I asked God to help stay in one place, never willing to move forward? I had gotten exactly what I had prayed for, and it became the worst prayer ever come to manifest.

However, in this err of my ways, I learned that God had me exactly where He wanted me to be. Yes, I felt lost, broken, and even disadvantaged, but in those stages, that is something that God can use because I was finally out of my own way!

God showed me that my own desires were not optimal, nor would they ever be. They would never provide the happiness I thought I was seeking and receiving. He allowed me to get what I wanted to show me that was not what I wanted. I did not want to be stable; I wanted to be challenged. However, my fear trumped my faith, and I decided to stay stuck because it was a safe place. After all, it was predictable.

But, see, God is unpredictable, and He does not play by OUR rules. He already has His ways set up, and He would play by those rules whether we are involved or not. I learned that God will lovingly help us; however, He will not join us in our pity. He will continue on to do what He intended and planned to do. Now, that may seem harsh, but that is the nature and character of God. He can AND will do His plan with or without us.

So, I had to make up my mind about whether I would be a part of His plan or continue to dive deeper into my frivolous plans. And what was my decision?

I took the first step running towards precisely what God called me to do!!! I did not waste any more time and did not desire to further hold back on my plans. I WAS GOOOONNNNEEEE!

However, I learned another important thing that I hope you guys take with you. God calls the disadvantaged because it through the foundations of not having the necessary tools to get us where we know we are supposed to be, according to God’s will and purpose, is when His Glory and His Grace shine through us and on us. God draws close to those of us who are broken-hearted, stuck, and feeling lost (Psalm 34:18, Isaiah 43:18-19, and Isaish 41:10).

He is forever with us, waiting on us. He loves us. And He knows exactly where we are.

Love you guys,

God Bless,

With Love,

T.