Dear God, I am lonely. But, he is available —Reimagined Personal Journal Entry.

Dear God,

I like this guy. Like, I REALLY like this dude. He is handsome, funny, witty, smart, charismatic, and has a passion to serve people. We talk every time we see each other. He seems into me and I am definitely into him. I couldn’t have stumbled upon anyone better <3.

Anyway, I want to get to know him more, and I was wondering… Could we go out on a date? Now, before You answer my question/prayer God, just hear me out. This guy is seemingly all these wonderful things and I really like who I assume he is, which leads me to want to get to know him better. However, You know what makes him more attractive? And this is gonna sound really bad but its the truth: He is tangible!

Like, I can touch him (not like physically, but you know what I mean) and see him and smell his cologne and bask in the sunshine of his smile. I can actually see him face to face every time I have the chance to be in his presence.

God, I get so tired of praying for some imaginary man. I know You have promised me a husband, but I am tired of getting the pop-up prophecies whenever it seems like I am getting distracted with someone else. That does not feed me any more. I need something more; I need someone to be tangible. He is not this imaginary guy that I hope and pray to be with one day. He’s right in front of my face! God, honestly…

I. Am. Tired. Of. Waiting.

God, I am lonely, but this man is available! He is newly single and definitely is mingling with me. And I LIKE IT. And it seems like he like it too! God, I am so ready to build deep relationship with someone; to share life with a lovely person. I am ready to go out on dates, be adored, hold hands, and sweetly whispered to. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be close, and divinely close at that.

But… (there is always a big but in these cases) I am divinely attached to you. I love you and I desire to obey you. But, unfornuately, before I even sit down to hear your answer, I already know your answer. I can hear it now, “No, not yet Ter’race”. But when is my “yet” over and done with? It seems that my “yet” has been on pause for a thousand years AND then some. I have never understood your ways, however, I love and respect them because I love and respect you. I just don’t get it though, lol.

And I know you are tired of me complaining. I know You truly are, however… He. Is. AVAILABLE. And I AM READY. Why can’t it be easy as this? The wait is hard and lonely. But what me and this dude “seemingly” have is niiiccceee. Even though it is an inkling; possibly a tickling of sorts that there is relationship or even fun in the air, it is a really nice setup! It feels good to be this close and it hurts for it have to be taken this far.

I am not even asking that dude be my forever partner, I am fine with a little time! As long as we enjoy each other and have fun. PLUS, COVID-19 busted in like they were repo looking for the car that has missed like 5 payments and I am not sure how much time we have. I just want to spend it having fun, but somewhat wisely.

I know, I am being dramatic and over exaggerating. However, I am tired of missing the mark. Well, seemingly to do so. I’ve played it safe for so long and it seems as though I have missed a lot. Often, I look back on my life and I am saddened of what I could have missed. Then, I find myself stuck time and time again.

So, what do I do now? Continue to wait on the prophecies spoken? Wait on the sermons I have studied to work as I use them to build myself up? Continue to read books to replace my feelings and emotions? I am not sure anymore. I hate that I feel this way because it is against everything that You are for. You are supposed to be my true love (and I am working on that) but I cannot help how I feel. Shoot, I can’t even hide how I feel anyway because You know.

I feel like a broken record. I feel I am stuck in the same cycle. My continued wait is lonesome. It seems as though there is no insight in sight. Not sure what else I can do except.

Wait.